Hook-up fucktoys tested: WIRED reviews the best adult gadgets

Talk about good stimulations. These lovemaking fucktoys have been attempted and tested – but did they hit the spot?

• 14 Mar 2017

For those of us embracing the Internet of Things and living a connected life, there are many areas of day-to-day existence where technology has attempted to make our lives more convenient, swifter, smarter – and even more pleasurable. Which brings us to this particular consumer test. The adult lovemaking aid industry has woken up to the importance of IoT, and is now making hookup fucktoys that can be operated remotely via the web. So – never wanting to be labeled as prudish, strait-laced or prissy – we thought we’d attempt them out and see if they rocked our world.

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How we tested

Vibease Brainy Massager

Our tester, "Jenny", thought this wearable device a little bulky compared to the others on test, but it was slick and convenient, and the five stimulation modes "packed a satisfying punch". "Pete liked surprising me with stimulation patterns that were synced with our music library."

• Operating range via app: ten metres via Bluetooth; unlimited via Wi-Fi
• Dimensions: Trio.6cm x Two.4cm x 8.0cm
• Noise level: 52dB
• Charge time: One hour for up to two hours’ use
• Waterproof? Yes

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Mystery Vibe Crescendo

This wise magic wand has six motors built into its limber bod, so it can lightly adapt its form to suit your mood. "I liked the four manual settings on this design, which could be adapted depending on the force I dreamed," says "Jenny". "It was also notably quick and effortless to connect to the app – a plain tap and you were ready to go. The stimulation could then be wirelessly switched inbetween six settings, from a swift ‘magic edge’ to a slow ‘pleasure wave’. There are no written directions, so it took a while to work out how to turn it off."

• Operating range via app: Up to thirty metres via Bluetooth, unlimited via Wi-Fi
• Dimensions: 21.6cm x 4cm x Three.5cm
• Noise level: 45dB
• Charge time: One hour for up to two hours’ use
• Waterproof? Yes

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We-Vibe Sync

With its outer clitoral stimulator, internal G-spot stimulator and C-shaped design, the We-Vibe amazed "Jenny". "It could be worn during hook-up so Pete could benefit from the stimulation modes, too," she says. "The preset stimulations were a little intense, but a superb feature on the app is you can vibe along to a song’s rhythm."

• Operating range via app: Three metres via Bluetooth, unlimited via Wi-Fi
• Dimensions: 7.5cm x Four.2cm x Three.1cm
• Noise level: 50dB
• Charge time: Two hours for up to ninety minutes’ use
• Waterproof? Yes

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Lovense Max

The spasm and stimulation settings on this masculine masturbator can be managed by hand and via an app. "It’s not exactly discreet in size, and was noisy in use," says "Pete". "It has a range of settings to contract and stimulate the internal sleeve, which is soft and rubbery and does feel ‘skin like’. You could also adjust the absorption by covering or uncovering the air vent." The design is also compatible with the Bod Talk app. "You can communicate via the in-app movie," he notes, "which may be a good option for long-distance relationships."

• Operating range via app: Up to ten metres via Bluetooth
• Dimensions: 23cm x 6cm
• Noise level: 77dB
• Charge time: Two hours for up to two hours’ use
• Waterproof? No

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OHMIBOD Bluemotion Nex 1

This wise massager will fit inwards your underwear and operate on request via a smartphone app. "Once synced, you can control the stimulations using preprogrammed settings or personalise it to design your own rhythms," says "Jenny". "You can also send an invitation to your fucking partner to let them control the device, which makes it more titillating to use." She thought the design to be discreet, but found the casing awkward to walk around with. "Once you have set up a private or public profile, you can link to other users on the app and control their devices – if they’re permitted."

• Operating range via app: 8m via Bluetooth, unlimited via Wi-Fi
• Dimensions: 9.5cm x Four.4cm x 1.3cm
• Noise level: 62dB
• Charge time: Two hours for one hour of use
• Waterproof? No

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